And now, for all you Fruitcake lovers—Here’s Cazzy’s recipe:
Ingredients: 1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, four large eggs, two cups dried fruit, one tsp baking soda, one tsp. salt, one cup brown sugar, dash of lemon juice, mixed nuts and one gallon whiskey.
Directions: Sample whiskey to check for quality. Get a large bowl. Check whiskey again. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat twice. Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup butter in bowl til fluffy. Add one teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure whiskey is okay. Try another cup. Turn off mixer. Break two legs and add to bowl and chuck in the fruit. Mix on the timer. If the dried fruit gets stuck to beaters pry loose with screwdrivers. Sample whiskey to check for toxicity. Next, sift two cups of salt or something…who really cares? Now shift the lemon juice and strain the mixed nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check whiskey once again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway? Even the dog won’t eat it!
P.S. And if you are going to be driving after the fruitcake episode, here’s a tip to the wise, “Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.”